(This is a long one)
Single Motherhood has been the hardest, most rewarding thing I’ve ever done in my life. I never expected to raise my son alone, not that most single moms do expect to. I’ve been through a lot in the last 13 months, but I’m also currently the strongest I’ve ever been and happier than I ever could have imagined I’d be.
I went from engaged and happy to a single mom at 11 weeks pregnant. It was a shock, but we knew we wanted to settle down and start a family eventually and had talked about it before, so it wasn’t that he never wanted kids. He never asked me to abort or to give the baby up, he was on deployment and he simply decided it was too much for him.
One day it was wedding plans and planning our move to Japan (his next duty station) and the next day I received a text message saying he couldn’t do it and no longer wanted to be in a relationship.
Now my son is 4 months old and nothing has changed since that day. The only time I talk to his dad is when there is something to fight about or it involves our child support establishment.
I would have been pregnant alone anyways due to the deployment, but going through a major heartbreak while pregnant and losing that support was extremely difficult. It was hard watching all of the other couples on facebook enjoy their pregnancies together, and I was over here working 40 hour weeks so I didn’t have to be alone and to support me and Ronan. I also cried myself to sleep for months and had vivid nightmares about him leaving me. I know it wasn’t good for Ronan, but in the end, he is what kept me going.
I wanted a man to be with me when I heard our son’s heartbeat for the first time, to see him jumping around on the screen, to go get me pickles at 3am because I couldn’t live without them, to hold my hair when the nausea was horrible, and to coach me through labor until we met our son, but he couldn’t do that.
I wanted a man to watch his son grow up, to rock him to sleep, to help change the diapers, to teach him to walk, to teach him to play sports, to take him fishing, to be a good example of what a husband should be, but he couldn’t do that.
I hid a lot of my feelings and I was terrified of the thought of raising my son alone. Sometime in my third trimester, it just clicked for me though. The fear was mostly gone and I just knew I could do it. I came from a single parent home and I had the best influence I ever could have asked for in my mom.
I got excited washing baby clothes, assembling all of his gear (which was pretty empowering having never assembled much furniture), and playing with him in my belly. I knew even though I was a single mom, we weren’t going to be completely alone.
My mom and my sister have been my biggest support system. Without them I would have lost my sanity a long time ago. They were there through my labor and delivery and the madness that entailed. They were there for the first few weeks of his life when I was so exhausted and he wouldn’t stop crying because I wasn’t producing enough for him yet.
My mom comes over almost every day after work to see him and to allow me to shower or get some homework done. They watch him on the weekends for me so that I can work at least two days a week since I’m having trouble getting him into daycare at the moment. They have been so amazing and I am beyond blessed to have them.
Our main struggle is financially. I saved enough to stay home with him for a few months while I was pregnant, but I never imagined having to move home early and pay rent on two places alongside the rest of my bills. My son’s father has yet to put a penny towards him and our child support case was just pushed back another 3 months. Ronan will likely be a year old before it’s finalized and we started this back in November.
Having to be off work 5 days a week to go to school and stay with him because of the daycare issue has made it extremely rough, hence the inspiration behind this blog. I figured if I’m home anyways, I may as well make use of my time. But we always make our deadlines and push through til the next month.
Though it’s been hard, we had a rough start, and we still struggle in certain areas, Ronan is a happy, healthy four month old. He barely cries, is very determined, and is trying so hard to crawl and stand. His slobbery kisses, hair pulls, and snoring on my chest make every bit of it so worth it.
If his dad eventually wants to be a part of his life, I will never stop that. But for now, I am perfectly fine raising him alone.
He is my life and my world and I’m not sure what our future holds, but for now I am thoroughly enjoying single motherhood. He makes loving for two so easy. No more fear, no more worries.
I will be here for every laugh, every tear, every poopy diaper, every milestone, and everything in between. He will never have to question where he stands in my life and how much I love him.
If you made it to the end, thanks for reading <3