Let’s talk.. postpartum depression.
Most of you have already read my initial story about my relationship with my child’s father. If you haven’t, long story short he left me at 11 weeks pregnant with no explanation whatsoever and never looked back. I was heartbroken, yet numb, and I suppressed many of my emotions throughout my pregnancy.
I was determined to do my best for Ronan and to prepare for his birth alone. I knew I couldn’t stay emotionally stable if I felt every emotion over the breakup yet felt overjoyed for our child, so I chose joy.
About halfway through my pregnancy I was sent to talk to mental health due to being a single mom and living alone. They warned me that I was very likely to experience postpartum depression and the more I suppressed my feelings the more likely it was to happen. I brushed it off, I felt fine, I wasn’t going to let it happen.
The first year of Ronan’s life was a whirlwind. I stayed home with him the first six months and it was exhausting but I had never been happier. I moved home and had family support and eventually went back to work a few days a week and school. Slowly anxiety started to creep up on me.
I fully trusted the very few people I left Ronan with but being away from him was killing me, even if it was just for an hour. I couldn’t focus, I felt I was missing out, and I worried about him so much. My high stress job definitely wasn’t helping at all. I would constantly have my mom bring him in to me and I would come home on my break.
Luckily Ronan was able to get into an awesome daycare and I found a new job that I loved and put us on the same schedule. Life was great.
Then Ronan hit a year old and that postpartum depression smacked me square in the face. I scheduled an appointment with my midwife and the second I walked into the room I broke down and ugly cried my heart out. I asked my midwife if it was even possible to have it this late after a birth and she said it’s rare but in my case she was surprised it took so long to show up.
My anxiety fully stemmed from being away from my child, usually it’s the opposite in these kind of cases, and my depression stemmed from everything I had suppressed and still constantly having to deal with Ronan’s dad (over child support issues.)
I was crying 2-3 times a day, I was constantly zoning out, forgetting to breath, and I was so tired yet I couldn’t sleep. Every little thing stressed me out and I was getting headaches every day. There were days I would forget to eat and days I would binge eat. I just.. was not in the right mindset, but one thing I know for sure is that I love/d my baby intensely.
I decided that medicine was the best route for me. I started taking Zoloft and made an effort to do yoga a few times a week. Sometimes oils can only help you so much, but I continued using them as well. Within two weeks I noticed a huge difference and I was so thankful to have a midwife that cared for me.
Ronan is now 18 months old and such a character. I’m still on medication.. but we are both healthy and happy. There are days where I still just feel off and like I’m not mommin at my best, but they are much more rare than they used to be. I’ve even come so far that I’ve let Ronan stay the night at his grandparents house a few times!
My main purpose of writing this is that I now know I’m not alone and I hope no one else feels like they are. Postpartum depression is more common than most women think and no two women feel it the same. Some have warning, some don’t, but help is always an appointment, a chat room, a facebook group, or a phone call away. All of my social media is linked up too as well.